The number one complaint amongst hotwives.
I’ve been enjoying this lifestyle for about 5 years now (little longer maybe) and in that time I’ve been fortunate enough to get to know many hotwives and learn about their successes, failures, joys and frustrations. Despite differences in age, play style, location,experience, etc the one common issue we all experience is a lack of communication. We’re not happy fellas and I’ll fill you in on why, the best I can at least.
Now this isn’t for the folks who have been out there hotwifing it up for two weeks, this is for us ladies who have been out here for months and years putting in the self work to know what we want and what we need out of this lifestyle. It’s for the wives who put in the time and effort to define and refine their needs and wants and have gone after it, only to be left hurt and confused when a dude can’t be bothered to engage in even the most basic communication. It’s for the couples and wives who want friends with benefits and connection over a random dicking down.
It’s for the men and the friends with benefits, lovers and boyfriends that, frankly, need a swift kick in the ass to get their shit together and to actually be what we’re looking for: mature, communicative adults.
The number one complaint I hear, and I hear so many, is that the lack of clear communication from their third/lover is hurtful and confusing. The lack of communication eventually, sometimes quicker than others, leads to lower self esteem and an overall funky ass mood. Ladies, how many of us had had to find comfort in our husbands because some douche nozzle hyped us up with some hot steamy sexy plans only to ghost at the last minute? Almost all of us, color me shocked! It’s not only a temporary let down but after a few times, same person or different, we start to wonder if it’s personal and if it’s because we’re too young, too old, weigh too much or too little, we’re too boring, too easy to get, too hard to get, not funny, not good company, we’re too insecure or came on too strong, we aren’t sexy enough, etc. The process includes thoughts like there must be something wrong with me if I don’t deserve the basic kindness of a prompt reply or some form of communication. That’s all crazy though, right? Well I can say from experience that those thoughts happen even it they are illogical, wrong and/or untrue. And that’s just ghosting after making plans…this shit happens even when you have an established relationship with the person, even if that relationship is a friend with benefits or fuck buddy one, it’s maybe more so hurtful, embarrassing and annoying.
I mentioned earlier that this post isn’t for everyone and I want to reiterate that this is mostly for the people who have an established hotwife thing going on. When you’re starting out or when you’re in the early stages of finding partners there’s an entirely different expectation of communication. I think that when couples are initially casting that net out there it’s kind of dipping into the dating pool and you somewhat expect there to be some people who ghost or fade out, some flakes and some shitty texters (pic collectors and other unsavory sorts). I’m not talking about those stages or those people. Everyone should just expect that early on, it’s part of the vetting process to a degree and you just have to have a laugh and keep on trudging to find the kind of people you actually want to spend time with and fuck. I’m sharing this for and in regards to the couples/thirds and people who have established a rapport, a connection, an arrangement or whatever you want to call it. I’ll try to break it down into two parts, the problem and the solution. Easy enough, eh.
From my conversations with hotwives, literally around the world, is that the men they choose to include in this fantasy (going forward referred to as thirds) are lacking in communication skills and that causes not only frustration but self esteem issues as well as an overall damper on a kink/fatasy/lifestyle that they enjoy and want to participate in. I’ve been there and many other wives have felt the frustration of feeling like you’re pulling teeth just to have a basic conversation with someone you’re trying to fuck. For some the 3rd is all about communication when it comes to sexting but shit when it comes to nailing down plans. Other times it’s a third who can keep in touch enough to make plans but can’t be bothered in between to check in and drop a quick hey, how are ya here and there. There’s the dudes who send a ton of messages throughout a day and then go dark for days/weeks/months…those are the dudes who you assume must be in witness protection because who really lives like that and just drops off the face of the earth for months at a time. There’s the ‘spontaneous’ type who usually are only available within the hour of texting you…like a flash sale for dick (but you don’t even come home with a new purse or cute dress so..no thanks). There’s the guys who no matter how many times you ask not to text when you’re working/with fam/whatever and that’s the only time they’ll get in touch; and then get salty with you when you don’t reply. There’s the thirds who are great in person and great to be around but they have zero skills when it comes down to holding a conversation outside of the sheets. Point is, there’s a lot of dudes out there and many of them are just missing the mark when it comes to communication with the hotwives in their lives.
Now this is usually when I hear the same few comments from the thirds, mainly ‘I don’t want to overstep or disrespect her husband by being in touch’ and/or ‘nobody should expect more than booty call level of communication’. Both fair and valid thoughts, I guess. If that’s how you feel or think then that’s fine, do you and see how far it gets you in fulfilling your own hotwife fantasy. I’ll address them both from my pov though, in case it’s helpful to see why these are shit reasons.
The ‘not overstepping’ is a big one and I get where most guys are coming from. Usually I hear that either you don’t want to be ‘that guy’ and/or you don’t want to cause issues in someone’s relationship by texting their wife. It’s coming from a good place but what’s happening in reality is that the thirds lack of communication (texting, phone calls, w/e you do) can be interpreted as a lack of interest and enthusiasm. I have enough insecurities and quite frankly I’m so fucking tired of hoping for a little enthusiasm from the dudes I meet up with (at least virtually because in person it’s always great, which is another mind fuck). I consider it my responsibility to have boundaries and enforce them so if you’re texting too much I’ll let ya know. It’s that simple. It’s my job, as the couple, to let you know what’s up, we’re all adults and I’m totally cool with saying what I prefer and when to chill. Almost every wife I’ve spoken with agrees, we’d rather be over communicated with then under. Our husbands would rather their wives feel flattered, wanted and giddy then frustrated, insecure or annoyed. Of course if you have nothing to say or share, don’t. If you’re not feeling flirty, don’t flirt and if you don’t have a compliment to dole out, don’t give them out insincerely. Stay in touch when you have something to say and want to check in or make plans or see something we’d like or read about something we’d find fascinating. I’m not saying bombard us with meaningless messages, calls and attention. It takes some common sense and social awareness but I believe in you all and I think you should be able to find a balance. I should add that I’m an introvert, I hate the phone and I’m shy and I don’t want to be in touch 24/7 with anyone, let alone a side piece but if I’m fucking you and letting you nut on my face every Tuesday you can rest assured I won’t mind if you hit me up to ask how my day was once in a blue moon, ya feel me? It’s not overstepping to keep in touch, it’s not disrespectful to follow up after a date…it’s usually appreciated and encouraged. If by some chance the couple you’re meeting feel like you’re too nice, too enthusiastic, too friendly I promise you that’s a better way to go out then having it be because you act like your allergic to your phone and the couple feels like you’re not interested. Trust me.
As far as not expecting more than a booty call level of communication, that makes sense and I respect the game but you should find someone else who is looking for a booty call. We’re out there, you can find women who just want one night stands and various forms or stranger sex. If the wives you approach are saying they want a friend with benefits, that’s what they want, not a random dick to get off with. If you can’t be a friend it’s ok, just don’t get into a situation where that’s expected.Obviously this is easiest of you find partners on places like r4r subs and dating sites because people can pretty clearly define what they look for. I always say I want a friend with benefits and a connection outside of the sheets but that doesn’t stop every rando from throwing their hat in the ring. Don’t be that guy, reply to the posts that match what you want. If you want to fuck someone you never have to speak to simply find someone else who wants that or hire them. Don’t lead people to think something different or string couples/wives along, it’s unfair to them and its bad karma for you. I keep hearing from wives that thirds out there don’t even check in after a date, as in ‘hey did you make it home, I had a great time’ kinda message…that’s basic shit fellas. If you’re fucking some dudes wife the least you can do is be a gentleman in between the fucking and say hello or keep up a casual friendship vibe by communicating every so often.
None of us ladies want or expect to be a priority to some hot young single dude but there is a middle ground where thirds can treat us like human women, whom they enjoy the company of without it being an inconvenience to anyone. When I like someone and enjoy being around them I like send well wishes when they have a big interview/test/promotion/event coming up, I try to remember any significant going ons in their lives if for no other reason than I’m curious and want to know a bit about the people I fuck. Reciprocation is appreciated and I don’t feel like it’s asking or expecting too much. Even when I say friend with benefits I don’t mean to imply that we’re suddenly homies and you have to take interest in everything I do or keep up with what’s going on in my life but if you would text a friend to ask how their day was or to grab a drink sometime and hang out you can do the same. Even if you don’t want to or intend to hang out other than when you fuck, cool, you can just reply to texts and calls at the least. You can not wait days or weeks to respond when we ask if you have any free time to meet up. You can not use the same (usually obvious lies) excuses as to why you didn’t have 45 seconds to respond to a text. Every wife I’ve talked to about this would be totally ok with a quick…’can’t chat now I’ll get in touch soon’ instead of radio silence. So we don’t expect to be a priority and we don’t want to be but we expect and want to be treated as people that you respect enough to keep up basic communication with. Your interest and enthusiasm does wonders for our libidios by the way. There’s nothing that makes me drier than wondering if I should go hang out with someone who left me on read for two weeks but now wants to chill. My mind already decided that they aren’t into me, which was shown by their lack of enthusiasm and follow up so now I have to think and ponder if I was wrong and they just suck at texting or if they just got desperate and are hitting up every chick in their phone hoping to get laid. It’s not a particularly fun game and I’ve played it enough, I’m over it. I’ll assume the worst and move on, like it or not that’s the truth.
The solution isn’t really for any one person to say or decide, but I do have some thoughts of my own and from couples that may help shed some light on how to make things easier, better and more clear.
It’s the couples responsibility to clearly communicate what level and what kind of communication they want and expect. There’s no right or wrong amount or style. It’s up to each couple, in each situation to dictate this an find people who are on board with it. It’s up to the wife/couple to be mature enough to be able to set boundaries and enforce them so that they have the experience they want with people who in alignment with that. If you can’t tell a dude to back off from texting or state your preferences than you’re not ready for this lifestyle. Communication is key and it’s often uncomfortable and new territory but you have to do it. It’s on us, as wives, to be able to define what we want to and to express it clearly. If you don’t even know what you expect how can anyone else to? Figure out the kind and amount of communication you need to make this work for your relationship and get rid of the guys who don’t match up to that.
For the thirds it’s on you to actually communicate. You don’t have to initiate every conversation or carry the conversation but you should engage in them when the opportunity presents itself and you should create the opportunity from time to time. You should be clear and honest in your communication. Whether it’s scheduling, sexual preferences, thoughts, intentions, whatever the case, honesty is best. We’re not dating, this isn’t a game, there’s no reason to lie or mislead anyone. Be upfront and clear and everyone is better for it and can make informed choices.
Lastly, this lifestyle is all about communication and attraction so reach out to the couples you spend time with because we find it attractive.Communication is sexy as fuck! It can help set the mood and build trust and anticipation, which leads to better sex. By not communicating and/or doing the bare minimum you’re depriving yourself of great sex with some others guys wife, and that’s just foolish.
I’m tired of being on the receiving end of poor communication and I’m even more tired of seeing these amazing women that I know struggle with their self esteem and question this lifestyle so can we all just agree to try to do better in the area of communication? Whatever that looks like in your relationship and how you play out this fantasy, if we’re all a little clearer and more respectful in our communication and the energy we give each other I think it’ll vastly improve how much couples, wives and the men who join us get to enjoy this amazingly fun hotwife lifestyle.