An ideal start?
Among the most frequently asked questions when it comes to experiencing the hotwife lifestyle are, how do we get started? Or how do we actually make this fantasy a reality? How do we know if we’re ready to make this happen for real? There’s no one answer and no right answer. I can offer my perspective so I’ll attempt below to help you avoid some of the bumps in the road that I’ve already traveled.
So you’ve thought about and talked about doing this hotwife thing for awhile and now you’re fired up and ready to go. You’re probably both feeling a tad unsure of how you’ll feel when things ‘finally’ happen and this fantasy becomes a reality. Well, you won’t know exactly how you’ll feel but you can do the work beforehand to ensure that no matter how you feel, how you act won’t be detrimental to your relationship. We’ve all read the posts, mostly from husbands, in the days after as they emotionally spiral. My heart goes out to them but on the other hand a lot of suffering can be avoided with preparation and they are usually the husbands who want to rush right in. Rushing into any form of non monogamy (which hotwifing is) is a bad idea.
I try to only speak from personal experience because this lifestyle is a personal journey and there’s endless paths to take. I don’t judge others for how they go about things and I can only speak for myself and what I know and have learned in the almost 10 years of being a hotwife. That said, this advice is most applicable to people and couples who are codependent mofos like myself and my husband. This one is for y’all
So when we started this hotwife thing we had been together for 10 years and had 3 very little kids at home. I met my husband when I was 19 and when I say I was head over heels from the jump, it’s an understatement. From the moment I convinced him to hang out with me I pretty much hadn’t let him go since. We worked together, moved in together fairly quickly and have been blissfully inseparable. We earned ourselves the nickname velcro for always being all over each other, which in retrospect we were probably super obnoxious but whatever, young love! I don’t pretend to think this is the norm but I think that most couples can relate to fully enjoying the honeymoon phases of relationships. So life is grand and I’ve got my best friend by my side and we’re thriving. Then comes this hotwife thing. We talk it over, ask all the questions, let the idea roll around a little bit and decide to give it a go.
I don’t often think I would do things differently but here’s one of the times I do wish I could go back and adjust how we started out. We should have spent some time and energy on ‘decoupling’ before we jumped into the hotwife lifestyle.
I knew pretty quickly that I would want to meet people on my own, at least initially. I’m shy, I don’t just say that, I’m a very shy human and I just couldn’t imagine myself fucking someone with an audience, even if that audience was my husband. Even the thought of it gave me anxiety on the same level as public speaking does. In our case, he’s shy as well so he understood and we figured we’d start out this way and re-evaluate later when we had some experience to draw from. At that point, we kinda jumped in. Everything was fine date wise (he was a gentleman) and even overall but it was there that the rollercoaster started. I’ve written about the emotional rollercoaster when you start this lifestyle, it’s on my blog somewhere.
What we should have done and what I tell couples to do now. Have a solo date night! Rent a hotel room just for Wifey and do everything you would do for a date night. Doll yourself up, pack up some lingerie and definitely pack some toys. Grab a bottle of wine, a joint, whatever your vice of choice is. Take that extra long shower, wear the expensive perfume, break out the bold red lip. You get my point, it’s a night for wifey to get ready and leave the house and have the night all to herself.
The problem you’ll avoid:
Feeling like your wife only gets dolled up for others. Feeling like a disproportionate amount of time or energy is spent on ‘other dudes’.
By getting ready and leaving the house you get to role play what an actual date night is like. I was fully in the ‘new mom mindset’ when we started so getting ready was an event. I can see how it could look to my husband like I was doing so much for other guys but not at home. From my point of view, I did all the ‘girly’ shit so I would feel confident getting naked around a stranger. I already felt confident around my husband, even at my worst so the same ‘prep’ wasn’t necessary for a date night (or just hanging out at home together). Of course I’ll throw in that if either person is feeling negative and like you don’t make an effort for them, talk it out and make an effort (goes both ways btw).
Now I would suggest you find a hotel with a restaurant and bar. Basically you want to test out how each of you will feel when you’re apart and doing your own thing, making your own choices and following your own instincts. You can even have a no playing rule, no hookups, no naughty business. The reason being that you want to be able to explore your feelings and be able to play the ‘what if’ game in your mind but in a safe controlled way. It’s a great time to go down to the bar and flirt a bit and see if you even enjoy the attention and would want to do the hotwife thing. It also gives you a chance for sexy hotwife sexting. Let em know what you’d do but of course, don’t do anything with anyone. Just get your imaginations going and see how that goes.
Obviously you won’t know how you feel until the real deal happens but when you each have your own time away and you can devote that mental space to thinking about ‘my wife could be getting railed right now’ and she’s not right in the other room or next to you in bed….you’ll probably get closer to knowing how you’ll react and if you know what feelings come up you can better prepare.
Another aspect to this time away is limited communication. You each need to know that you can exist without checking in. If you’re a couple who already can, that’s great. I am not that person. If I see something funny or cute I want to send a pic to my man; if I remember something I’m gonna want to text him real quick. It becomes noticeable when he usually would get 5 texts from me about the random goings on of my day and then on a date it could be hours without one. From my point of view, I’m meeting someone new and I think it’s rude to be glued to your phone when you’re having a conversation so I keep my phone down. Also there’s usually a lot on my mind (safety stuff, checking the dude out, raging anxiety) so I’m less likely to be in the mindset to have a long conversation right then so I won’t start one. His pov was more like I must be so enamored with this random dude that I forgot he wanted updates. In our case there’s been many times where I was just chit chatting the night away and nothing sexy was happening so there was no update to send. It came across like I was probably non stop fucking for hours and didn’t give a damn about keeping in touch. Obviously a miscommunication and we’ve since worked out the kinks but had we gotten used to a little more space it would have gone much smoother.
The problem it’ll avoid: Feeling like you’re entitled to constant contact and updates when your wife is on a date. Feeling ignored or unsupported during a date night.
Feeling like you’re ignoring your husband if you aren’t responding fast enough, feeling guilty for focusing on your date, not your spouse.
Now I know, especially in the beginning, few couples are planning on overnight dates so it may seem like a lot to go for a whole night. It’s not, just do the whole night. The point of having that time away is to have the time and space to fully feel and think through all the things that come up in the various stages of a date night. You can’t do that if you rush through and don’t give yourself time to sit with your own thoughts and feelings. I’m sure a lot of you wince at the mention of space and are thinking ‘well this kink is about us being closer so I’m not doing anything that would create space’. Fair. I get it. If you’ll indulge me a little longer here’s my thinking and why I stand by ‘decoupling’ before becoming a hotwife.
For the wives: I have seen the kindest, most thoughtful and confident men completely reduced by this lifestyle. I’ve seen husbands become controlling monsters that probably wouldn’t recognize themselves. This lifestyle puts a lot of emotional labor and risk on the ‘wife’ column, ya know. You should encourage your husband, no matter how hype and gung-ho he is, to really explore how he might feel when you have sex with someone else, how he’ll react, what he’ll do if thoughts or feelings that are negative are overwhelming the experience for him. You don’t think your husband is the one to show up at the hotel banging on the door and dragging you home, until he does. I told my husband from day one that he better be absolutely certain because while he can change his mind, i cannot change history and once I fuck someone else I can’t just erase that. If he can’t handle that change then it should stay a sexy fantasy and never a reality. If you look through the subreddits here you’ll find many posts where husbands unexpectedly become controlling and jealous and while it kinda makes sense, it’s not okay.
For the husbands: You may think you know how you’ll react, how you’ll feel but the fact is, you don’t. If you’ve never been skydiving you don’t know how it feels to jump out of a plane. By facilitating some space away from your wife you gift yourself the time to sit and feel some feelings. I’m telling you as a wife and a hotwife that you owe it to your spouse to do the emotional labor beforehand and make sure you can handle yourself. Truly handle your shit. I’m not saying that you have to be happy or okay with anything that goes down. I’m saying that you need to be able to recognize that your wife is her own human and she’s going to make decisions that maybe you wouldn’t make, she may break some rules or boundaries or all of them, big and small things can and will go ‘wrong’. If you aren’t able to have a compassionate and understanding conversation after those things go wrong then this isn’t the lifestyle for you.
Now when things are kinda ‘unfair’ or I come down harder on the husbands I get a lot of shit for it. Reddit is male dominated so I get it and I’m okay with it. At the end of the day I’m trying to do you a favor. Fucking someone else is something your wife is doing with her body and there will be things that happen (actions, emotions, etc) that are out of your control. Some people respond very poorly to that and say things and behave in ways that can destroy a marriage. You are not to break your wife down after asking her to fuck other people. I hope it goes without saying that I don’t mean extreme cases and outliers. If your wife didn’t check in 7 times like you’d prefer so you scream at her that you always knew she was a whore and she must hate you to not text you every hour on the hour…you’re a dick and she should bail. If you can’t say ‘hey I was worried because you didn’t follow the 7 point check in system, what happened? And how do we ensure that we have a system that works going forward?… just stop before you begin.
I guess I’m just saying have a practice date night so you can practice what emotions might come up and what questions you have. It doesn’t apply if you’re the couple that vacations separately and can go days without a text. It’s hopefully helpful for the couples that are a little more enmeshed and used to checking in all the time and knowing pretty much every detail of each other’s days. It helps to mentally and physically practice taking that space, allowing some room for not knowing and seeing how comfortable you are.
Now I try not to preach and not practice but in this case it’s not how we started but we’re doing it now, after much trial and error. I’ve taken to booking myself a room, having drinks with friends, making it a point to not text every time I leave the hotel or change plans a little. It seems so dumb but he’s my best friend and I want to tell him everything but it creates an imbalance when I’m always in touch and then drop off when I’m with a date. Of course I still check in and keep in touch but I don’t do it because I feel like he’s worried and wondering what I’m up to. It’s created a space where things can flow more organically and we can check in after dates or nights out and adjust to make sure we stay on the same page about our expectations. So while I’m preaching what I didn’t originally practice, I think there’s value in doing things the ‘wrong’ way and then acknowledging you could have done better.
So if you’re new to this lifestyle, you haven’t started yet and any of this rings true, I recommend giving this a try or at least discussing if this might help you ease into trying out this hotwife lifestyle.