There’s a good amount of information about the feelings, emotions and up and downs that husbands may potentially go through in regards to sharing their wife. I’ve read plenty about the potential for his jealousy, insecurity, etc and how to deal with it. There’s not quite as much about what it’s like for us wives.
In my experience….this hotwife thing can be mentally and emotionally draining from time to time. I carry around my own set of worries and responsibilities. I feel the level of risk involved in opening up our marriage just as much as my husband does. I think there’s some sort of perception that because we’re the ones going out and ‘having all the fun’ that there’s no real downside to it for us as wives. I’ll admit that being a ‘hotwife’ is a pretty sweet fucking deal, there’s no denying that, but it requires a lot of energy.
There’s an assumption that if this hotwife fantasy goes wrong it’s because the wife cheats or leaves or is no longer happy with her husband. Some variation of that is generally the worst case scenario for most husbands. My worst case scenario is that one day my husband has a change of heart and decide that he deeply regrets all this hotwife nonsense. It’ll be a random day while we’re doing something perfectly mundane…he’ll look over and think…Nope! This was all a terrible idea!”. As the female half of this partnership I’m opening myself up to a lot of risk, insecurity and worry and it can be scary. My husband is a great guy and a totally level headed, intelligent person who would never hold any of this against me if we decided to stop for any reason. I know this…logically. Fears and insecurities don’t give a shit about logic though.
All the sexual freedom and liberation that everyone talks about in regards to hotwifing doesn’t always evoke feelings of being all that free and liberated. To me it feels more like taking on a specific set of burdens in exchange for an exciting sexy payoff. Getting to fuck men besides my husband is awesome in practice and I’ve had a great time indulging in this kink I’ve also realized that the majority of the information about being a hotwife never mentions how hard it can be for us wives. There is discussion of the initial reservations that a wife may have but it’s portrayed as though once can get past that it’s all smooth sailing for us women and that’s not always the case. It can be tough to make it work for everyone involved at being at the center of it can be overwhelming.
Here I am, at the center of this sexy hurricane of hotwifing. I feel the burden of balancing the needs, wants and desires of everyone involved in the situation. Of course our marriage comes first and that’s where my priorities are. I want to make sure that my husband is involved, comfortable and turned on by whatever situation I’m getting myself into next. I want him to have the peace of mind to know that I play within the expectations and boundaries that we’ve established. I want the person I’m meeting to have a great time and enjoy themselves. I want to make sure that I respect their boundaries and that they are comfortable and have fun. It took my far too long to realize that I have my own list of things that I want for myself out of each situation as well.
Generally everyone involved is invested in making sure it’s a great experience but at the end of the day it’s us wives who play the role of ‘go-between’ in the situation. We’re usually the ones relaying information to the men involved. We set up plans and make dates, we text and chat and cam to get to know the people we’re meeting, we keep our husbands in the loop of pictures and texts. While that’s happening we’re juggling and balancing everyone’s expectations while dealing with our own nerves, excitement and insecurities. We’re the ones making the in the moment decisions and dealing with consequences of those decisions.
In my opinion it’s not always easy but it’s worth it. When it goes well it can be amazing for all involved and when it goes really well and everyone is happy then it’s fucking phenomenal. Luckily I don’t know what happens when it doesn’t go well so I can’t comment on that. We’ve had less than stellar experiences and our own ups and downs as we figure this out and the low points are pretty terrible. Of course you learn from them and move on but when you’re in the thick of it it’s incredibly difficult not to let guilt and fear take over. Even when it’s all going well there can be little doubts here and there and times of questioning. It’s been that way since we started and even though it’s less frequent I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it still happens from time to time.
Another ‘burden’ I carry is this: I’m the one that is physically going out and adding notches to my bedpost…so if things go south I know I’d feel like that falls on my shoulders. I know it’s something we do as a couple but the reality is that for my husband it’s a thought, an intangible thing, a fantasy…something fun to try. For me…I just fucked someone else and I can’t take that back or forget it ever happened. It becomes part of my history and my reality. For us ladies we can’t undo what’s already been done. If my husband has a change of heart, if we have a bad experience, if we just get bored and tired of it….the damage is done. There’s no time machine that will take me back to before I fucked ‘so and so’ and I was a good little monogamous wife. Just doesn’t worth that way. The deed is done and I have to live with that…good or bad.
When you’re actively going out and meeting new people or opening yourself up to this fantasy there’s a delicate balance and it’s often us ladies that are in the middle of it all. It takes a lot. I’m not in any way complaining (after writing it out it feels like I am)…I get that in exchange for all of the emotional and mental energy there’s plenty of kinky amazing fun (with hubby and others). I feel that shedding a little light on the fact that it’s not always strictly fun and games for us ladies is important. This fantasy is a fantastic addition to my marriage, it’s been a hell of a lot of fun and I have no regrets. I’ve been in the thick of all the kinky amazing fun many times and I hope lots of other women are as fortunate as I have been thus far. It takes work to get the rewards though. It takes energy to make it seem effortless. It takes reassurance and unconditional love to keep the doubts at bay. Like I’ve said it can sometimes feel like a whirlwind that we stand in the center of and I hope that our husbands really know and appreciate what we go through on our end of this kinky equation.
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Nice article and interesting to get see within your psyche.
Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Great personal and sensitive insight, thank you for sharing. I want to pass this on for another’s benefit. Thank you so much
If you’re still out there, I want to say thank you! Thank you for your articulate perspective. I know my wife enjoys the perks, but I don’t think I fully understood the mental and emotional toll that she also has to balance and deal with. Your thought process sounds very similar to hers, and I can now see into a window of her mind, I didn’t know was there.