writing-couple_FotorWhether you’re just starting out or already deep into the hotwife kink determining your rules & boundaries is essential to making this fantasy work. The first thing you have to remember is that this is a couple’s kink and your marriage/relationship comes first. While this information is a starting point for you to begin the discussion it’s not the only things you’ll need to consider and discuss.

Your spouse’s comfort level, desires, self-esteem should always be on the forefront of your mind. This is the person you married and love, if you feel in any way that you’re not ready to fulfill this kink then pull the brakes and re-evaluate. While being a hotwife can be an amazing experience it comes with an equal amount of responsibility to nurture your spouse and marriage more than ever before.  Same for you husbands…as amazing as it is to have your wife be a hotwife, it comes with the responsibility of making sure she feels loved and nurtured every step of the way.

As fun as the hotwife pillow talk is the rules and boundaries should be discussed out of the bedroom and they should be talked about frequently and openly. No matter how silly or bizarre a topic your partner mentions it’s important to keep an open mind, if they’re comfortable telling you their innermost desires be respectful and appreciative of that. If and when a topic, idea or act comes up that you’re not on board with just say so.  Talking about rules and boundaries should be used as way to not only establish how you want to play but also an open discussion about intimacy, turn-ons, exploration and feelings about this fantasy (and sex in general).

It has to be said apparently…talking about your rules is not a negotiation or a way to bargain to get what you want in bed (or out of bed). Exploring should not be something that is a surprise or a birthday present or anything of the sort. It’s an exciting thing to explore when everyone involved is aware, respectful and enthusiastic.

Real life warning: Talking through all of the kinky rules and boundaries that you want to play by can be daunting if you’re not used to openly discussing sex. It still has to be done. Sometimes it’s hard to verbalize your thoughts or desires either because it’s new and different or from fear of rejection/judgment. We find that if we set aside time to talk and specifically say it’s just a brainstorming session things are easier to talk about. After some time it gets easier and easier and eventually you may just find yourself willingly throwing out fantasies and ideas and enjoying talking them through with your spouse.

Safety First: An easy start is to think of the rules that you want in place to ensure that you’re playing safe at all times.  Keep in mind that you want to be safe in and out of bed and set boundaries accordingly.

Check in with a phone call once I meet my date

Check in throughout the encounter via text or phone

Condoms must be worn to prevent pregnancy and STD transmission.

Verify the identity of the person you’ll be meeting.

Common Rules:

  • Open and honest communication at all times…that means even when a rule is broken or there’s an uncomfortable conversation to be had.
  • Veto Power: This is a common rule but it doesn’t work for everyone. Either spouse has the option to veto any play partner at any time for any reasonable reason.
  • Pictures & Video: Bring home pics and/or video of each encounter.
  • Share Details: No hiding or secrecy so details should be shared between spouses in whatever way each couple prefers.
  • Frequency: Many couples have a limit to how often they’re comfortable playing with any one ‘bull’. It could be once a week or once every 6 months, it’s up to you.

Unique Rules: I’ve come across…no kissing, no swallowing cum, no penetration, contact only through the husband, no overnights, no dates (dinner, movies, etc.), n lingerie specific to a playmate, no acts reserved just for ‘bulls’, limit drinking/drug use while with a third, etc…

Prepare for rules to bend, break and change:  It’s completely normal; in fact it’s expected, for your rules and boundaries to change and evolve as you gain experience.  After every encounter or experience take a day to really think about how things went and how you feel and if changing the rules or boundaries will make your next experience even better.  Give each rule change the time and attention it deserves and come to an understanding as a couple as to why the rule should change and make sure you’re both comfortable with the change.

While the rules are important what’s vital is your attitude towards the rules. In a perfect world a boundary would never be crossed or a rule broken. It happens. It’s our belief that intention is everything and we account for the fact that in the moment things change.  Sometimes it’s an option of the lesser of two evils to bend a rule. It’s also important to take into account that this fantasy involves a third person and their desires and boundaries are important too. If rules are constantly disregarded by anyone then it’s time to re-evaluate if this lifestyle is for you, also cheating, infidelity, and lying aren’t part of this fantasy so if things are heading that way it’s time to stop living out this fantasy.

Our personal Rules:

  • Condoms are a must for every new partner. If a partner is exclusive, recently tested and trusted I can consider going without protection. I’ll get tested before and after playing with that person.
  • Check in when I meet someone new: A phone call after coming face to face with a new play mate is a must. My husband wants to hear that I feel safe and secure and the person I’m meeting is who they told us.
  • No cuckolding, humiliation or degrading talk towards myself or my husband.
  • Open communication and all times: Good, bad or ugly. No secrets, no secret dates, no random hook-ups.
  • Share any details my husband inquires about.
  • In bed…no anal sex, no choking, no D/s play, no permanent marks on me, no bondage, no being tied up or down, no acts that require a safe word/signal.

Of course we have preferences and guidelines within those rules but for the most part those things make us feel safe and comfortable when inviting a third into our sex life.  There are many things that aren’t on the list above that I know my husband isn’t a huge fan of me doing but there’s not a specific rule against it. If in the moment there’s something that I want to explore or try he’s ok with it but I would only do so after considering his feelings and desires.

Keep In Mind:

When figuring out you’re the rules, guidelines and preferences that you are comfortable with keep these things in mind:

The more rules on the table the more it is for us wives to manage in an already overwhelming situation.  Trust is a huge factor and you have to trust that your spouse will take your comfort level and feelings into account when they’re with another person. If you don’t know or don’t have that level of trust I suggest keeping this a fantasy.

More rules do not equal less trust.  If it’s in your personality to dross your I’s and dot your T’s you may have a list of rules 10 pages long…if you’re both ok with playing within those bounds then it’s fine.

Whoever you invite to join you should be aware of your rules and agree to them.

Take into account that sex is a unpredictable thing, especially sex with new partners, so rules and guideline should have some flexibility built into them to allow for that.

If a rule is broken or bent it’s ok to take a break until everyone is comfortable trying again.

Rules can change depending on the person, situation or fantasy.  Hooking up with a previous partner may have more lax rules then a new person you met from craigslist 4 hours ago. Part of the fun of talking about this is that it will help define what you’re looking for and how you feel and react to various situations.

Hotwifing is not about breaking rules, power plays, controlling people through sex, infidelity or secrecy. Mutual consent, respect and communication are imperative to this fantasy. If pushing boundaries is part of the appeal to you as a couple that’s fine, work into the rules. Discuss where your hard limits are and work backwards. If you feel that there’s no need for rules and total freedom is desired that’s fine too but figure out your preferences and boundaries so you can express them to your lovers.  You’re going to have rules as a couple rules for your third, rules for play, personal boundaries, etc…get used to talking about and defining what you want out of each experience and learn to communicate it openly to all involved.


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