In an effort to offer some practical advice I thought I’d try my hand at compiling some info that might come in handy when you’re brand new to this fantasy.
When you first start figuring out how to make this fantasy a reality a (very) large part of the equation is who you feel comfortable involving in your kink. Obviously finding someone who you are compatible with is up to you but hopefully I can assist you in figuring out where and how to find them. I’ve found that there are some overall themes among couples in regards to who they decide to play with and how they make this work for them. I’ve tried here to break down some of the options for those who are new hotwifing (and those who are just curious).
Here are a few quick visuals that’ll hopefully help.
The first is a quick list that highlights common options
for deciding who to include in your hotwife fantasy.
Here’s a quick flow chart my husband and I made for fun
…but wound up working as a way to see what might be the best
fit for couples looking make the fantasy a reality and find a compatible guy.
Here are (what I feel) are the pros and cons of each:
If you’re interested in looking online:
- Ability to prescreen by reviewing profiles. This is a huge advantage imo. The ability to prescreen, find common interest, check out photos, etc before committing to chatting makes it easier to find exactly what you’re looking for.
- Making a profile makes it easier to clearly state your desires, rules, arrangement, etc which will hopefully help save time in finding compatible partners.
- Keeping of track of profiles/potentials is easier since you can organize profiles by favorites, hotlist, recently viewed, etc.)
- Privacy is not guaranteed. As soon as you upload anything it’s out there and if you require discretion for professional or personal reasons then consider what you post carefully. Even though it’s less than ideal there are plenty of people who refrain from posting photos online and still have luck finding partners so it’s not a major hindrance but it will likely change the quality and quantity of responses you receive.
- Cost: Most sites require some form of payment in order to take advantage of the full features they offer. Prices vary greatly and most sites will let you search a bit and create a profile for free so you can get a feel for the site and users.
Obviously it’s a short list and that’s because the pros and cons of each thing are unique to each couple and how they plan to play. So if you’ve evaluated your own personal pros and cons and are ready to look online but don’t where to start…check out the list below for a few sites that’ll get you on your way. I tried to be somewhat unbiased in adding a bit of a description to each so you can make a mildly more informed choice but it’s really all my opinion on how I view these mediums for finding guys.
Adultfriendfinder.com: Overall most people view it as a hook up site but it does have a pretty decent cross section of people so you’re sure to find the age, race, height, proximity, etc that you’re looking for. *
Fetlife: Not a dating site and currently they are not accepting new members. Fetlife is known more for its forums/groups/calendar and is meant to be utilized as a way to meet local kinky people, engage in conversation, share experiences (stories), verify fellow kinksters and not so much for instant hook ups.
Reddit: Not a dating site but the various r4r forums are a great way to meet people for hookups, ons, friendship, camming, chatting and more. There are no profiles though so you really have to do your due diligence and get to know who you’re meeting. (Click Here to check out my list of hotwife related subreddits on the hotwife resources section of my blog, didn’t want to pick just one r4r to link to so here you can check out relevant subs).
Quiver: A hookup site for swingers with an easy to use ui.
SLS: (or swinglifestyle): A site made for swingers that frequently updates lifestyle events. Easy to find couples and singles for hookups, chatting & friendship. Although the site has been updated the ui is horrid and many people find it irritating to navigate so it supposedly caters to a older crowd (or just those that have had profiles there and are used to the site). *
Seeking Arrangement: For those seeking an ‘arrangement’. It’s pretty much a site for sugar daddies and those looking for someone to take them out, date, be spoiled, etc. Of course the arrangements are up to the users but if finding someone to wine and dine you is on the list give this site a try.
Traditional dating sites: You can check out match.com, plentyoffish.com and/or OKCupid as well. Each are traditional dating sites but I’ve had luck on all of them. Keep in mind to answer carefully because they are less ‘open and kink’ friendly so your profile can be rejected if you claim to be married and looking for hook ups (pretty sure it’s just okcupid that does that). Like the others though you can create and browse profiles and they are free or low cost as well. Match is known more for relationships, pof is more hookups and okcupid is a mix and is somewhat unpredictable in what to expect from the members).
Craigslist: Some would call this the bottom of the barrell and others find CL to be the quickest, easiest and least amount of bullshit so basically ymmv. It’s a toss up and largely depends on your geographic area. I think it may be on the few that works out better in smaller towns. Generally the larger the city the more people will gravitate towards to the big marketed dating sites so CL works great for those on the outskirts of a large city. Of course use caution, verify and double verify the person you’re meeting or chatting with. (no link since it’s regional)
For a slightly different experience there are a few hook up/dating apps that suit the needs of many hotwife couples and bulls.
Here’s the rundown of those:
If you’re interested in using apps:
- Cost: Most apps are free to use with premium features (that are mostly unnecessary) available for a low price.
- Portable: Since you’ll be swiping on your phone you have the benefit of using apps anywhere. Even though most dating sites have a mobile site it’s never quite as easy as a quick left or right swipe. I’ve swiped waiting at the Dr, in line at the grocery store, in bed with my husband, out with friends (discretely of course). So for the fact that you can browse profiles on the go hook up apps are fun and easy to use and stay engaged with.
- We found that the fact that you can be in constant communication through apps can be downright exhausting. Having constant notifications and messages can be distracting and overwhelming.
- For those that enjoy checking messages together and looking for partners together the downside of apps is that you can only have one login and since you have to have your phone in hand it isn’t as couple friendly as AFF (for example). Of course an easy remedy is to just browse through them together but I thought it was worthy of pointing out as a potential downside depending on how you play.
If you’ve already got your phone in hand and are ready to start swiping check these out:
Tinder: Known for the ever popular ‘netflix and chill’ culture that some of us hotwives tend to enjoy. TInder is known for both starting relationships and being a quick easy hookup app. You basically swipe based on your impression of someone after a few pics and a quick bio. It makes for hooking up based on attraction incredibly easy and it factors in distance so you can always find some dick nearby..or new friends (whatever you’re into). Users range in age but it’s generally a younger college age crowd.
Bumble: Bumble is an app that is like tinder in practice but the women have to make the first move. You swipe profiles and make matches and then the woman has 24 hours to start a conversation with her matches. It’s fun, easy, pretty ui and has the added bonus of having a find friends feature if you ladies are looking for friends. This app puts the ladies in control which is a nice perk for us hotwife couples.
3ndr: First how the fuck do you pronounce this and second this app is still not available for everyone. 3ndr is for folks looking for threesomes and is meant to help singles and couples match up and meet. It’s apparently expanding/rolling out an android version at some point but who knows when. I’ve heard it’s easy to use but there are few people using it due to its limited availability.
Interested in’ real Life’ hooking up?
- When you only meet friends and acquaintances you’re in a much better position to maintain your digital privacy. No need for profiles, posting pics, etc.
- Another bright side of only playing with those you meet in real life is that you can take advantage of having instant attraction with someone and going for it. If you like a little spontaneity than picking up someone in a bar and skipping past the chatting and searching might just be for you.
- Safety concerns: Of course without vetting a potential partner first you run the risk of not really knowing what kind of person or situation you’ll find yourself in so keep that in mind and try to plan accordingly.
- Real life hookups can be hit or miss, going out to the bar doesn’t always lead to an amazing hotwife experience if you just can’t find anyone who piques your interest.
- Of course there’s the issue of co-mingling kinks and friends/co-workers. If things don’t work out you’re experience will be that much harder to work through if it includes existing personal relationships.
Those that choose to incorporate people they already know in real life or would meet out and about generally take one of these avenues:
Friends: Pretty self explanatory. If you’re comfortable tapping into your social circle go for it. Make sure everyone is on the same page and have fun!
Co-Workers: Depending on your occupation you may be able to find partners at work. It helps to keep in mind that there are not only personal but potentially legal consequences from engaging with employees, co-workers, supervisors, etc. The saying ‘don’t shit where you eat’ comes to mind here but in all honesty if it’s what you’re into and everyone is consenting, legal and having fun then go for it. Typically when I see this work out best is folks who travel often for work and can hook up around their travel schedules.
Private Parties: You might have to be a bit ‘in the know’ to get invited to private parties without using any online resources but if you’re willing to look online a bit you can generally avoid having a profile while still finding lifestyle parties and/or events to attend.
Lifestyle clubs/Bars: Unfortunately hotwife clubs are not a thing (yet) but typically hotwife couples have plenty of success at swingers clubs/bars/events. If you prefer a little spontaneity showing up at the bar and finding someone to take home might be right up your alley.
Exes: Again, self explanatory. I have no experience with exes and I don’t recommend it but to each his own. I know it works marvelously for some couples and it’s surprisingly common. Being comfortable and sexually compatible with your partner can can be a big advantage when you’re nervous in trying out this kink so if playing with ex’s sounds like your thing, enjoy!
So there’s the rundown of the options that are common among couples (and single guys) who are interested in this fantasy. I’m often asked by wives and couples who have been out of the dating scene for awhile about how to find partners since they have little recent experience and don’t know where to start. I completely understand and was in the same position when my husband and I started. Of course it’s a personal decision and the information here is based solely on my personal experience and the conversations I’ve had with other couples. Everyone has varying level of success with each option and will have different perceptions of the listed sites than I do so hopefully this will help to start a conversation or open a dialogue about who you want to include and how you want to play.
If you have any experiences to share, pros/cons, or thoughts I’d love to hear them so comment below.
* If you use any of the links with an * here you’ll be supporting the site by using the affiliate link. I’m only affiliated with sites that I personally use, enjoy, have profiles on and recommend. A quick google search will bring up the sites if you’d prefer not to use the link provided.