There’s no one way to vet guys, in my opinion. I don’t even do it the same way every time but I figured I’d try to throw together some of the things that come up when it comes to narrowing down potential partners.

It all starts with an initial message. Here’s what I’m thinking and looking for in that:

Does it tell me something about the person? Did it have something for me to respond to and start a conversation with? Can I get a feel for what your interests are? Does your personality come across? It doesn’t have to, texting makes it hard to get tone across but some people pull it off and it’s a nice surprise. Did you share any preferences? Experience?

I also want to know things like age, relationship status, type of work, etc. The basics are always nice and then adding a little more personal stuff (like interests, hobbies, etc) really helps a message stand out. Instant red flags are people who refuse to address me, despite it being only my account, and chatting as if they’re speaking to my husband. This is usually coupled with an attitude of women being property and thinking that my husband will just dress me up and send me over to fuck on command. I wish I was kidding and it’s sad to have to start by saying, please address the person you’re speaking to and treat them like a human but I do.

If you’ve sent a well thought out message and I’m not feeling it for whatever reason, I’ll definitely reach back out and say as much and wish you well. If at that point you’re being kind, understanding, etc then I’ll probably keep you in mind (if not meeting is a matter of location, time, etc) and maybe we can chat again at a future point. If you turn into a rejection monster, you’ll get blocked and mocked.

If you’ve sent a well thought out message and I happen to be looking for partners, I’ll get back in touch.

At that point I’m looking for and thinking of things like:

Multiple photos! This is big for me as I want to make sure that I’m attracted to the person and want to spend time with them. Now I could go on forever about what I look for in photos but I’ll try to highlight just a few here. Does your photo convey that you have any idea of what women find attractive? It seems like such a little thing but if you send a photo and your nasty dirty bathroom is on display in the back, nah, hard pass. If you can’t keep your space clean I’m not letting you into all of this I have to offer, no sir. If your photos are fake, clearly outdated or of you fucking randoms it’s gonna be a hard pass. Now I’ve noticed many men like to send ‘in action’ photos, i assume to show off that they indeed know what sex is. Here’s the thing, those photos make me think 2 things… 1. My brain automatically compares physical attributes and I’ll decide I don’t live up and pass. 2. I’ll assume you’ll freely share intimate pics of me and I’m not about that, at all. The other offending photo is what I call the serial killer. Why do men refuse to smile in photos, lord knows you tell us ladies to smile 24/7 so maybe take your own advice and stop making yourselves look like murderers. I don’t know if the assumption is that you should look as ‘manly’ as possible but for the most part you just come across as scary. I’m not going to use my energy to find out if you’re a serial killer or just take bad photos so again, hard pass. Just an average normal photo will do, no dead animals, weapons or unhygienic bullshit. The bar isn’t high.

So now let’s assume your message was great, you sent some nice photos along and things are vibing… Here’s where it really diverges for most people. Some couples want to meet asap and others will want to chat and build up a connection. It’s different for everyone and I make it clear that I have no intention of jumping into bed with a complete stranger. In my case I’m just seeing if we vibe well over text. It’s a hard medium to convey who you are and what you’re like but experience has shown me that it’s possible and if I can’t connect with you over some messages then I won’t connect in person. Part of the vetting process once we’re chatting away is making sure you don’t say, do or assume anything stupid. So many people can seem ‘normal’ and then you start chatting and they throw in the ‘I’ve never been with a black girl before’ and then I have to excuse myself to hurl and block them. Other things I classify under stupid….making assumptions about my spouse, my wants, what turns me on, any comments on race that could be said in the 60’s, comments about my hair or any other racial stereotypes. Now I know that the considerations for what’s stupid will differ from most because I’m a minority. You should realize though that you do need to take into account who you’re chatting with and if you’re racist or have strong biases know that we pick up on that shit, you don’t hide it well. Nobody who is a minority wants to be your fantasy fuck/bucket list person, treat humans like humans. It’s an automatic ban/block when people don’t know how to be respectful around race/ethnicity conversations. Now the easier red flags…If you have a one track mind and it’s fucking, pass. If you only want photos and get pissy when you don’t get them. Pass. In my case anyone who ignores the fact that I have a long and extensive post history. Pass. I think it’s wild to think that I should take my time and energy to explain something to you personally that I’ve said 100 times on reddit. To me it gives the impression that you’re either a little dumb or a little lazy, which is fine but doesn’t make my panties drop.

Another flag once you’re chatting is the notion that you’re special and should be treated as such. Now every human life is special yadda yadda but it drives me batty when men think that I should re-explain something I’ve said 100 times on reddit. When men think I should stop what I’m doing to send them a pic of whatever off the wall shit they request. The thought that I should share my videos or date pics with you because….y? Cause you’re a one of a kind limited edition fuck boi, again, no thank you. Now I like an arrogant guy, cockiness is great, in moderation. It’s highly unattractive when you act entitled to anything at all anywhere ever for any reason.

You can be confident, flirt, seduce someone without being an entitled asshat, promise.

*this doesn’t quite fit with the flow but I wanted to add that a huge thing is how men handle rejection. I’ve said no to people and they’ve completely lost their ever loving minds and honestly, it’s scary. I’ve rejected people and they were understanding and kind. Those are the dudes who you kinda go back and if the reason you weren’t into it are flexible it’s worth re-examining. I’m not saying it’s normal but after so many interactions online it’s downright refreshing to find people who can be kind even when they don’t get what they want, makes ya wanna give it to em. It at least makes you go back and keep that person in mind for when you have more time, are looking for what they offer, or for a hotwife friend!

Ok so far all is good and there’s an actual connection and we’re trying to meet up or heading that way. Don’t worry, you can still fuck it all up and here’s how. If you start to be either incredibly pushy or apathetic, you’re out! I don’t need pressure to meet someone I want to meet. If there’s mutual interest there’s no need to behave like you’re suddenly parched and need to meet right this second. It’s rude. On the other end of the spectrum, if we start talking about plans and you have zero enthusiasm it’s such a bummer and really takes the fun out of things. The thing to do is communicate your availability and preferences and then let the couple.wife lead. Also it makes a huge difference, to me, when the Third makes it really easy to meet. I’m married with 3 kids, we have a lot going on so if someone recommends a day/night, a hotel and takes care of everything, it’s faaaar more likely that it’ll happen. In my case, I don’t mind making the plans, getting the room or whatever as I tend to like repeat meets so if I get it one time, you get the next and so on. It’s exciting when someone takes the time to arrange the details and you get to just go with the flow and enjoy a night you didn’t have to plan.

So if you’ve gotten this far and we’ve met and fucked, great times were had by all. You’re in the clear…?!? Nope. you can still fuck up! I know hotwives are married women and we get love and attention from our spouses and that’s great. You know what else feels great? When the person you just fucked is kind enough to send a lil text after the fact and say ‘hey, had a great time’, hopefully with more adjectives. Now I’m not saying I expect or need a thanks for the sex text but it’s realy quite nice to follow up. The dudes who go as far as to do the ‘let me know when you make it home’ I adore those dudes. The dudes who always text, no matter how many times you’ve fucked, and say ‘adjective, adjective, explative,adjective, blah blah blah’ those guys are great! It’s kind to follow up in my opinion. Husbands love knowing that this dude actually appreciated the time spent with his wife and the wife knows the dude had a great time, everyone’s ego is happy. If you’re not the type to follow up you’re probably also the type to hit it once and never understand why women suck. It’s you who sucks, fyi. If you’ve all agreed that it’s a one time thing then forget everything. Do you and move one.

I think that covers it step by step, for the most part. Overall vetting is just letting people in little by little and using your instincts to see if the person meshes well with what you want for your hotwife experience. The most important thing, to me, is that whoever I’m talking with can pick up on social cues and let the conversations shift and flow depending on the vibe. If the person only wants to sext, or collect pics or is one track in any sense, it’s not for me.

It’s impossible to have a definitive guide on vetting because every couple wants something different and every woman will have different turn ons and expectations. There’s no right way or one way of doing it but I wanted to share my way in case it can help someone out there.

Keep in mind that I’m about 8 or so years in and I’ve seen and heard a lot! I’ve used all the sites, apps, etc. I’ve chatted with thousands of people across the globe. I’ll admit to being a bit cynical here and there and even kinda tough on some of these fellas, I make no apologies, too many trash men out there for me to feel bad about calling out shite behavior. If you haven’t reached peak cynicism yet when you go through messages, bless you sweet summer child.

If you have any methods, tips or tricks for how you and your spouse vet guys please feel free to share!

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