How do I get started?
No guarantees. this is all based on my personal experiences and opinions as well as getting to know other hotwife couples. I’m asked on an almost daily basis for advice on getting started exploring the hotwife kink so I feel that putting it in writing will help (at least help cut down how many times I have to answer this question). Here’s my take on the top things to consider before getting into this hotwife kink:
Do your research: Understand what you’re getting into before you decide you want to actively participate in this kink. Check out forums, posts and as much as you can to understand what this fantasy entails. It happens to be one in which every couple/wife you meet is going to have a unique way of doing things so you should have some awareness of the various ways that couples play and know if its something you’re into or not. In case you’re just stumbling onto this hotwife thing for the first time here’s a quick rundown of a few common scenarios:
Solo Hotwife: Some of us meet up one on one. Think of a typical fwb/one night stand situation. Photos and videos are usually emphasized more since H isn’t there to see what goes down.
- MFM: Some couples only play as a couple so you’d be engaging in MFM threesomes. Some husbands participate and some just want to sit back and watch. Photos and video are usually still involved and these situations are great for guys who are already a bit exhobitionistic as you’ll have to ‘perform’ in front of her hubby.
- Fly On The Wall: Some couples will have the husband at home while you’re with his wife but he’ll usually just be a fly on the wall and want to listen and know that his wife is happy and having fun.
- Virtual Fun: Lots of couples never make this a reality by meeting up but they enjoy sharing…virtually. Camming, exchanging pics and texts all play into having your wife feeling desired and sexy and engaging with another guy.
- Fantasy Fulfillment: Pretty much all of this is fantasy fulfillment but some couples only engage in this as a way of acting out specific fantasies that require other people. Maybe she’s always had a thing for firefighters so along the lines of a hall pass they do this as a means to check that off the list. The third (you) is more of a stunt cock than anything else.
If you’re assuming that hooking up with a hotwife is easy pussy or an easy way to cross milf off your bucket list you’re going to be disappointed. The guys who do well in this lifestyle truly understand that so many aspects of this fantasy require more charm, respect and maturity than hooking up with any random out at the bar. Our husbands want us to feel sexy, desired, enjoyed and respected. We expect the same (I assume, I only speak for myself) and we want the men involved to understand that this is something we do as a couple. You’re not a replacement, you’re not there because I’m not satisfied (sexually or otherwise). You’re not an escape from our relationships, our lives or anything of the sort. For us as a couple we only engage in this when we’re at our best in our lives and marriage, we think of the guys who I meet as an addition to an already happy and fulfilled life. If you understand that and are happy to add to and join in on a situation like that…awesome!
Have a little empathy: Hotwifing is usually explored by couples that are very much in love, communicative, open minded and have a strong foundation to their relationship. There are various reasons why each couple partakes in this and it’s completely individual. In any case there’s an underlying “we want to share intimate experiences with other men”. The who, where, when and how will be unique to each couple you contact. I recommend reading posts here from active couples, try to put yourself in their shoes if you can and give them the respect and appreciation that you would want and expect if you were sharing your wife/gf.
Know what you want and how to articulate it. One of the first things I ask is ‘why do you enjoy the hotwife kink?’…and yes I’m completely judging you based on your answer. Of course there’s no right or wrong here, but as a matter of compatibility I want to make sure the guys I meet understand the situation and are interested in the same aspects of it as we are. A big part of leading up to a hotwife date is texting and getting to know each other…and I love nothing more than when I ask someone what they want or what attracts them to this lifestyle and they know and can clearly express it to me. I don’t need a thesis on human sexuality, I don’t need to know your every kink and dirty thought but I do need your honest feelings on the hotwife kink and why you want to be involved. It’s only fair for everyone involved to have their expectations/wants/desires heard, understood and respected. It goes both ways so make sure you know what it is that you want and find a couple that can offer it to you.
Know the terminology: It’s confusing and to be honest it doesn’t really matter what everyone labels themselves. If you’re interested in playing with a couple and everyone is happy with the arrangement then it doesn’t really matter if you call yourself a bull or a toy….but it doesn’t hurt to know because some folks stick true to labels and you can find yourself in a situation you’d rather avoid. So here’s a basic rundown (from my understanding) and I welcome any corrections to these:
- Hotwife: You’ll most likely be meeting the wife one on one.The couple will want pics, videos, audio…something digital to bring home to hubby. Communication is usually through the wife and possibly the husband/couple. The husband may be home/watch/listen in on your time with his wife. Communication between the couple is totally transparent so she’ll most likely share details of your time with her husband. Pictures sent during a date are usually a thing that’s requested. Basically even though you’ll be meeting a wife solo everyone will be including the husband as much as possible in a fun and exciting way.
- Cuckold: You could meet the wife or couple for play. Husband will most likely not join because cuckolds enjoy the denial and humiliation aspects of their wives taking lovers to satisfy themselves. Again, every couple will operate differently but you can generally expect that you’ll be asked to partake in degrading the husband while entertaining his wife. Sometimes couples will keep the husband in chastity in order to further drive home the point that his sexual pleasure is controlled by the wife. He can’t partake until and unless she desires it. If you’re dominant, confident and enjoy degrading dirty talk towards the husband then cuckolding might be for you.
- Bull: A bull is the guy who joins a couple or sleeps with someone’s wife (consensually on all ends). It’s used in hotwifing, probably because there’s nothing better yet but there’s a much different association with it in hotwifing. It comes from…well…bulls. You’re brought in simply to fuck and breed. The bull is there for one reason and then he’s no longer needed. Couples who want a bull tend to want a dominant, aggressive (like in bed not like roid’ aggression), confident lover who will come in and rock her world, fill her with cum, then get the fuck out. A lot of people use the term bull (especially people who seek out bbc and D/s play as well as cuckolds). In hotwifing we use it to mean more or less the Third person in this sexy situation. It’s important to clarify with each couple/wife how they define bull so everyone is on the same page. It would be a shame if you meet a hotwife and play the part of ‘bull’ and it isn’t at all what they were wanting…so clarify!
What do you have to offer: This seems unfair and I might get some shit for it but my god guys you have to have more to offer than a dick. Trust me when I say most of us can open a window, yell cock and have our choice of people to fuck almost immediately. There’s a sea of single guys out there who would love to be invited to fuck someones wife (it’s a pretty sweet deal afterall). So I’m not saying that you have to actually offer a couple something but you have to put your best foot forward. Do a little self analysis and figure out what differentiates you from any other guy who sends a message. Again, every couple has different wants and personalities so there’s no right or wrong thing here. It could be that you have a gorgeous cock, you have some crazy technique to make women cum like a fire hydrant, it could be an interesting job or hobby. It truly doesn’t matter but there should be something that I can grab onto in your message and say “oh I always wanted to fuck…a soccer player, a violinist, a 10 inch cock, etc. It’s not a way to show off as much as a way for us to start a conversation. Your ‘thing’ may not be what we’re into and that’s fine…we’re all just trying to find compatible partners so anything you can do to clue me into that sooner is awesome in my book. In my experience it’s usually just something that will make me feel more at ease when we meet, I’ll know we have something in common or you know about something I’ve always wanted to learn about. Now I happen to like getting to know the people I fuck, others could not care less about you and your hobbies so it just depends but it doesn’t hurt to have something ‘prepared’ or in your back pocket if you hit it off and start chatting.
Know your boundaries, limits and preferences. Guys are usually surprised when I ask what boundaries or preferences they have…as if they’re just a living dildo and I could care less what they want. Some may take that approach but most couples will have some interest in your desires and expectations so be prepared to tell them. It doesn’t have to be a list of rules or anything but I like knowing what kinds of things turn you on and drive you wild. I make sure that you know what I want and like and what’s off limits when we meet and I’d like to know that same. A lot of guys seem to take being a hotwife as some ‘holy grail’ of sexiness and don’t want to blow it by showing any preferences at all. It’s actually a bit of a turn off for me if you can’t open up and tell me what you really think about things. Also know before you get into this what you can and can’t do as far as pics, videos, etc. Not every couple needs photos so if you have the type of job where you’ll be in hot water for your extra curricular activities then let people know that. I don’t want to find out when we meet and my husband is expecting video and you can’t take any. I love, love, love getting pics for my hubby but we’re both ok with keeping ink, faces, or anything identifying out of them. Think it through and communicate to the couple as much as you can about your preferences in these situations. In my experience I’ve had some strange requests and I’ve happily honored them all without issue. If you have no preferences and are ok to just go with what the couple wants that’s fine too; let them know and then don’t judge or freak when they ask/tell you their desires because nobody wants to be shamed for their ideas in these situations. If nothing else it helps to have a few things that you prefer or want because it makes me (the hotwife) feel like you’ve thought this through and you’re not just trying to get laid in any way possible by any woman who says yes.
Put yourself out there: This comes with a big warning tag: You will get what you put out there. If you refuse to send a face pic then please don’t expect one. If you can’t write more than “hey, let’s fuck” in a message you’re not going to get a response. If you create a profile or just reach out to couples put a little effort into it. I know it’s really rough on single guys because you send so many messages out and get so few replies and there’s nothing I can really do to change that. I can say based on my experience I do my absolute best to answer every message and I take special care to write back to anyone who sends a thought out message. If I’m not interested I’ll let you know why and if you want I’ll tell you what to do differently for the next person you hit up…if you gave me the 5 minutes to write a message then I can give you the same. If you took 4 seconds to write “can I cum on your face” then you’ll get my 4 seconds in the form of my deleting your message. There’s a lot of single guys out there but instead of everyone crying about how there’s too much competition why not stand out from them instead of bitching about it. It’s rough for anyone and everyone who tries to find fuck buddies online. Here’s a secret to help you out…the majority of messages are absolute shit. Just terrible, disrespectful, misspelled and often don’t include pics. So if you can write between 5-20 sentences about yourself and maintain a little enthusiasm without using the words (fuck her, take my cock, your wife should..) then you’re ahead of the pack by a mile. I know it’s irritating to write tons of messages and not have hot wives falling at your feet but eventually it will payoff and you’ll find a compatible hotwife couple to play with.
Ask Questions: If I haven’t made it abundantly clear every couple is unique and will have varying wants, needs, ideas and whatnot. It’s your job to ask questions and know what you’re getting into. I really shouldn’t have to elaborate on that, it shows you’re interested in them (or her) and it shows that you take the situation seriously and want to know more. Your desire to be clear and not being afraid to ask questions is a turn on. Don’t be annoying and bombard people with irrelevant shit but don’t shy away from making sure that you’re clear on everything. This kink has probably been discussed between the couple for some time and for many people it is a big freakin’ deal to share their wife. Obviously that calls for respect and open communication from you and engaging in conversation that shows you’re interested in learning about the couple and how they prefer to play is a great way to impress.
Last and most importantly: Be confident. Be respectful. Be honest. It’s required of you and if we sense that one of those things is off then we’ll move on. Before you jump on me for the confidence thing…you don’t have to be adonis with a fat wallet and a fatter cock. I’ve had people tell me upfront that they have zero experience and won’t know what they’re doing or wish they were in better shape because they’re terribly overweight and down about it…I don’t need to know your insecurities. I keep mine to myself, please do the same. If you want to join us (or me) in bed then fake that shit like everyone else and put your best foot forward. Respect towards myself, my husband, our marriage and the situation has to be there or else you won’t be meeting me. One unkind word about my hubby and you’re cut off, one negative word about my marriage…the same. If you get off on being the bigger, better, manlier man that’s awesome and there’s probably a cuckold couple somewhere that would love to have you join them and let it all out. The hotwife lifestyle is built on respect, trust and openness so if you can’t manage those things then move on. Honesty. Many of you probably remember the AlphaBullVegas debaucle…avoid being a lying piece of shit please. If you have std’s, if you have a wife, if you have a secret identity (actually keep that to yourself if it’s like a Clark Kent thing..and get in touch cause I have a huge superman crush) it’s always best to be honest with a couple. Don’t try to bed someone who’s looking for repeats when you want a once off by lying to them about your availability and preferences. We put a lot of emotional and mental work into this fantasy and we want to have fun with it; when you find out or feel like you’re being lied to it dampens (and possibly ruins) the entire experience for everyone involved. Dont be that guy, we all hate liars. Hotwife couples are usually pretty open minded and kind people, we’re generous, honest and don’t shy away from unconventional things so if you have a unique situation then spill it (if it’s relevant) and let us decide if we want to move forward.
A few side notes: Being married/cheating isn’t always a deal breaker; some couples seek that out specifically so there’s no need to lie it’s just a matter of finding a couple that wants what you have to offer. If you’re lying about STIs or health issues, that’s against the law so you’re not only a shithead but you’re also a criminal. If you’re lying about how often you want to meet then please just don’t. It can really mess up the dynamic of a couple who’s trying to find the hotwife circumstance that works for their marriage, it’s just cruel to mess with that so you can get your rocks off.
Bonuses: If you do any of the following then awesome on you!
Take/Have photos available to share. Crop out your tattoos, your face or whatever you want but every couple is going to want to see a face pic and a body pic. Dick pics are an individual thing and not every couple wants one so do that at your own discretion. I cannot stand the gentlemen who get in touch and then trying to get a face pic (or any pic) from them is like pulling teeth. Do you really think that anyone will just meet a random stranger from the internet without seeing what they look like? You can keep your holier than thou attitudes…we all know this a pretty shallow kink so trying to make us feel bad about insisting on a pic before chatting too much or making plans is idiotic. So if you could please have a decent photo of yourself that you’re comfortable sharing it goes a long, long way. While i’m on the pic topic no hats or sunglasses or blurry as hell pics from the 90’s. It’s 2015, you have many options available to you in order to get one clear photo of yourself that is sfw and won’t get you fired from your job if you share it. Like I said before: You get what you give and if sharing a picture of yourself is too much to ask before fucking then you’re going to miss out on a lot of hotwife pussy.
Get tested: Some couples will ask/insist on seeing recent std/sti testing. If you want to be ahead of the game get tested and keep the results. In addition to the fact that it’s just good health practices to get checked regularly and frequently you’ll be much more likely to meet up that much sooner if you’re not having to make an appointment and wait once you find a hotwife.
Be willing to meet first: If you want to get straight down to it then be honest from the jump about it. A lot of couples will want to meet for a drink or coffee a few days before playing so be prepared to take the wife out (and possibly hubby too) and get to know them in a social setting. Again not every hotwife expects or wants this but if you’re willing and you offer than it helps. It shows you understand that attraction, chemistry and compatibility are important. It also shows that you’re willing to go at the pace the couple sets and that you’re willing to let them check you out before going further.
So there it is. A whole lot of my rambling words to think over before you get into this kink and as you take your first steps into it. Hopefully there’s something there that you haven’t considered or will help everyone involved in this wonderful fantasy have a better time.