We’ve had a few of the same/very similar issues pop up so I sympathize with you and your wife. Here’s my advice as someone who has been in your shoes. For starters I’ll say that we started out with certain ‘rules’ for me when I was meeting someone, once my husband wanted to meet people too we came up with new/different/separate rules for him. It sounds like it’s time to revisit your rules since it’s been awhile and you have some recent experience to draw from. Also, are you more upset/bothered by her actions/how her date played out and or more so that she didn’t stick to rules that you’ve had to? Not that there’s a wrong answer but maybe knowing which is bothering you more will help you communicate to her where your feelings are coming from so you can address the problem fully and (hopefully) without any miscommunication.
I could go issue by issue but the overall sense that I get from your post is that things don’t feel equal and it irks you. My opinion is that fair and equal are completely different things in a relationship; it helps us immensely when we’re compromising to keep that in mind. My husband also meets up/chats with other women. The guidelines that I follow wouldn’t work for him and his won’t work for me for the most part. I don’t like to impose a rule on him that I follow just because it’ll be equal. Obvious example is safety, I have a few rules that are in place solely for my physical safety. We both take them seriously and there’s no leeway in those. I don’t worry about him being physically overpowered by some random chick so I don’t ask that he checks in with me as often as I do for him. Of course rules that surround things that just me one of us uncomfortable are a different story but we still keep in mind that equal and fair are different and as long as each of us individually gets what we want from an experience all is good. I would suggest you both sit down and write out what you’d like from the other person and than compare your lists. Write down the rules you want her to follow and the rules you feel comfortable following when you meet other women. Have her do the same and see where things line up. Hopefully you’re mostly on the same wavelength but expect a few that you’ll have to compromise on. I’d like to know (just for my own curiosity) if she’s willing to revisit your rules no that she’s back out there and has recent experience. I know that once my husband went on his first date he came home and told me it was harder than he thought to keep everything in mind and follow every guideline we set out. When we started he wanted pics/videos from each of my encounters and sometimes I came home empty handed. He would be disappointed and it sucked but when he went out I really wanted some audio (knowing women aren’t as likely to be into pics we compromised on audio for her privacy) but in the moment he forgot and came home empty handed. It happens. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the moment when you’re focused on so many things that a few things might not be as much of a priority and they fall to the wayside. As long as it’s not intentional or malicious we usually can let it go and move on. I tend to make sure the next time I stay more on top of pics if I wasn’t able to get them last time. Eventually it all kind of balances out but sometimes you can’t have every experience check each and every box off your fantasy list.
A few things that stand out:
I’ve watched her on kik for the better part of two hours in the evening when we are in the living room and I”m reading… And then I ask her what’s new with her potentials and she just says, “Nothing worth reporting.” Not sure how you can text for two hours and have nothing to say about it. I know she needs some privacy and her own space, I just feel in the dark more than I’d like.
If you feel in the dark than express that and figure out how you can share in that in a way that works for both of you. This is often an issue for us because I’m in intensely private person but that’s a whole different issue. Does she know you want to read texts? I can tell you from experience I can chat/text for hours and truthfully say that it was nothing productive or interesting. Usually it is, otherwise I wouldn’t keep it up but depending on how many people she’s talking to and at what stage it can take awhile to ‘break the ice’. If she’s chatting with 6 or 7 people and kinda flitting between conversations and keeping it light than maybe it really wasn’t anything she thought you’d be interested in. My husband is always interested but the ‘hard line’ of when I share is when I’m actively making plans to meet up. Once we start nailing down availability it’s on and he wants to be in the loop. I know for some people they want to know every detail from to jump, for us having a little space makes me more comfortable and I fill me husband in on the highlights as they come. It works for us for now but I’ll admit it took a lot of trial and error to figure out the boundaries we each have about what to share and when and it’s still a work in progress.
She said I’m sending mixed signals because I was so after this for so long and now she feels like I am nitpicking every little minor thing
Don’t do that. It’s so fucking annoying and more importantly it’s detrimental. I’m all for sharing your feelings, having an open line of communication and figuring this out as you go but you have to do it a way that doesn’t give anyone emotional whiplash. I promise you that each of those little things can/will build up and drive her up a wall. It’s one of our hurdles…we has little issues starting out, much like you. A missed phone call, a lack of video, etc. We communicated openly and with compassion and worked through each one like freaking champs. Even still those little comments and disappointments are like scars and they still creep up on me from time to time. I can empathize with the husbands that are into this and I know it comes with a lot of mental work for y’all but I’ll tell you it’s a lot for us ladies as well. It’s not any easier or less emotional just because we’re getting some strange here and there. There’s a lot of worry/guilt/uncertainty on our ends and those ‘nit picky’ comments/issues add up and can make this whole thing more of a hassle than it’s worth. That said, voice your opinions and share your thoughts but do it with some empathy for your wife. If/when you work through the issue(s), let it go. Really truly let it go so it doesn’t keep coming back.
she doesn’t think we need to come up with a rule for everything until it’s a real scenario
She’s wrong, but that’s just my opinion. I like playing through scenarios and what-if’s about hotwifing with my husband. It’s fun for us and I love hearing his preferences and ideas and it’s been a great way of opening up in general. It also helps when things unexpectedly come up, an offer to try something new or what have you…it’s easier for me when I have a pretty good idea of what my husbands’ take on the situation would be. It helps me make better choices in the moment. I’m just 100% all for talking things through before they come into play. Once it’s a real scenario it becomes a real talk but I feel better prepared when I have a general idea of where that conversation will go. It also has really helped us to clearly define our boundaries as we’d come up with situations that could come up (like overnights).
Try to re-frame what I would like from her to make me feel comfortable now based on what I have seen so far…
and ask/find out what she needs from me to feel comfortable based on her recent experience
Understand that since this is a hotwife scenario and I enjoy her with others, maybe the rules WILL be different and that’s normal and okay…
This is great too so you can’t go wrong with either of those. Best of luck and hopefully you’ll keep us updated.