Hey Chica…here’s my input: Our situation is very similar…I started out hotwifing, it wasn’t a means for him to get some side action, he just wanted me to have fun. Then he wanted in on the fun. It isn’t a turn on for me and I was willing to call off any and all openness in our marriage at some points in our discussions about it. While hotwifing has enhanced our marriage I didn’t want to jump into doing something that made me uncomfortable (his meeting other women) so: Short answer is yes, my hubby plays as well. It took awhile to get to that point and it’s not reverse hotwifing but yeah…he has the freedom to meet up with other women as he pleases.
Long answer: After doing this hotwife thing for a few months and having a blast my husband started mentioning that he was interested in meeting up with women as well. He assured me that it wasn’t his plan all along and I fully believe that. We had many many late night (into the morning) discussions about it. In reality we were really going in circles with me being unable to articulate why it made me uncomfortable and why it didn’t feel right but at the end of the day it was still a “no”. I continued to go and meet people and he was fine with it. The topic would come up every so often and I just wasn’t there and I wasn’t ready to share my hubby. I felt justified because we all know ‘women are crazy’ and I didn’t want a stage 5 clinger coming after my wonderful husband. He also happens to be an amazing father and husband and we all know ‘some crazy lady’ would try to ‘steal him away’ because he’s handsome and smart and a great guy all around. Even I didn’t really believe those but they were convenient and felt kind of true. I knew it wouldn’t happen because you can’t just take someone’s husband (especially if he’s unwilling) and I know that women are just as sane as any other human so I had to actually sit down and think about what made me feel so terrible about it. I came up: I’m selfish and I don’t like to share my things. I give him props for being such a giving and generous person but that’s just not me. I don’t like to share my shampoo let alone my husband. The other reasons were based in my own physical insecurities, I dreaded the idea of him meeting a 22 year old cheerleader/gymnast/dancer who happens to squirt buckets and has a magic vagina. I may be slightly irrational but when you’ve had 3 kids in 6 years your body image can get a little wonky. It didn’t help that when I told my BFF about it she freaked the fuck out and put her foot down on him meeting anyone. She’s single, in her 30’s and knows him very very well. She was convinced some ‘crazy’ chic would bring all kinds of lady drama into our lives. So I was stuck…I had a few arguments against it happening and no real desire for him to meet anyone. Also it wasn’t a turn on for me as much as I tried to envision it being one so it just seemed like he was sharing me and getting enjoyment from it and I’d be sharing him and getting a reminder of my every insecurity in return. Your reasons may be different from mine but I think I know how you feel about it being something that it going to take awhile to warm up to (IF you ever do warm up to it). I can say that it took months for me to be on board and even then I think I called it off and changed my mind a few times when it felt too real and I’d panic a bit. There came a point where I just felt bad that I wasn’t ‘figuring it out’ fast enough and decided to really sit and take some time to think about it, visualize it and give it my full attention. At that point I realized that my reasons sucked, I was just insecure and it was holding him back from doing something he was interested in. Obviously it’s not that easy…we’re talking about fucking other people not a decision as easy as if he should take up a new sport or take a solo vacation. Anyway…it came down to these things: I know what happens when I go on dates and I have no reason to think that it would be much different for him. Casual sex is fun, exciting and I have yet to fall madly in love with anyone I’ve met so I shouldn’t worry that he would. I also don’t compare the men I meet and my husband so I didn’t have to worry that he’d be doing that. I want him to have all the happiness and joy possible and if this was a way for him to do that then I could get behind it. So I did. I said “go ahead, I’m on board (for real this time) but we have to go at a pace that we’re both comfortable with”. In all honesty it was hard to come to that decision and a lot of it was based on me feeling like I was stopping him from pursuing something great and I don’t want to be the person who does that to him. It’s still a hard situation at times but so far none of my fears have come to be and my husband is happy to have to freedom to meet other women which in turn makes me happy.
The biggest thing is that in relationships fair and equal are two very different things. If you do this because it’s only fair for both spouses to play you’re not going to have a bad time. If you can find a compromise that feels like you’re both getting what you want and are happy then you’re being fair. Don’t jump on board out of guilt because you’ve been having your fun and it’s only fair he has a turn as well, that sounds like a breeding ground for resentment. If you can find something that you’re both comfortable with and excited about then do that. If he’s ok with only chatting with women and that’s where you’re comfortable then you’ve got yourself a compromise.
Make sure you’re both ok with starting at zero. We made the unfortunate mistake of him starting with the rules and boundaries we had for our hotwife fun. We quickly realized it wasn’t going to work and I preferred baby steps. Try not to just parallel where you are in hotwifing to him meeting people if you can avoid it. Just because you’ve gotten to where you’re having weekends away with your lover doesn’t mean that he should book a trip next weekend with someone. Sit down and start from scratch and build up to what you’re comfortable with. We hear people say in this sub that you should ease into hotwifing and this is no different. My hubby started by chatting with people and then moved to skype with a girl he had been talking with for awhile then he met up with a different woman for coffee (and fun)…each time it elevated we talked about it and checked in. Surprisingly after the first few experiences like that I felt ok with most everything. I don’t feel the need to put many limits on what he does with other people as long as he’s being safe and smart about things.
Take your time coming to a decision and keep communicating throughout. I had times where I majorly backpedaled. I think a lot of that was because it’s not a turn on for me either. When my husband had any doubts or negativity around my activities he at least had that aspect of things to fall back on and I didn’t so it was a lot of back and fourth for a minute. We talked it though over and over until we got to the bottom of how we each felt and what the possible rewards and risks were. After a few months I gave the green light and all has been well since.
If you decide to try it here are some insights from our experience:
The downsides: You have to be where he was months ago and go through all the emotional crap and self analysis to figure out how you feel about all this. Not necessarily a downside but when you’re on the upswing of hotwifing and enjoying the confidence and all those awesome warm and fuzzies….you have to stop and stare your issues, insecurities and worries in the face. Then you have to pick them up and sort through them. It can kind of suck but hopefully it’s short lived.
Scheduling: With kids it’s hard to find time for me to play…now we have to pick who gets to meet someone this weekend. Remember I said I’m selfish so this one isn’t always fun or easy (btw he’ll win b/c I’ve had plenty of fun and I have a more flexible schedule)
Feeling Like A Big Ol’ Hypocrite: Coming up with boundaries and preferences can be a not so fun talk to have. We did fine but I felt terrible because if I wasn’t ok with something I felt like a hypocrite for not being on board. Also there’s a somewhat unequal balance to a lot of rules because most of ours are for my safety and there’s not the same concerns for him in most situations. Also he’s had a vasectomy so the ‘rules’ surrounding cum had to be discussed and we had very different ideas of where we stood on that. We had to look at like it was only him playing and see what we were comfortable with otherwise I felt like I had to be on board with things I wasn’t ready for just because I was doing those things while hotwifing.
After he met up with ‘Nurse Blondie’ for coffee he understood so much more about how I’m feeling when I meet someone. It was great to be able to relate to all those little moments that happen that I felt I could never really convey to him properly. He also understood how hard it is to talk about the date when you get home and you forgot half of what happened and who was where and doing what and how you came and blah blah blah. It was fun to see him on the hot seat and reliving his date night. He also understood my ‘lack of feelings’. There’s always talk of ‘what is she leaves you or falls for someone else’ when it comes to this hotwife thing and now that he’s met up with someone he knows first hand that it’s just not a situation that’s going to lead down that road. It’s been amazing to know that he understands even more now where I’m coming from since he’s had similar experiences.
He understood my broken rules! There have been a few times throughout our hotwife journey where rules have been bent or broken or the situation wasn’t as we expected it to be. He was hurt, upset, let down those times but after he had to go through with meeting someone he understood where I was coming from the times that I wasn’t able to get pictures or video or text at exactly a certain time. On his first date sex was off the table (I kinda panicked and asked that they not fuck immediately) but everything else was so I asked for pics or audio if anything happened. Sexy times ensued but he didn’t get any photos or anything. That’s what it took for him to better understand that when I can’t get pics it’s not because I was so caught up in the throws of passion that I forgot I was married and supposed to be getting pics…sometimes the person is just camera shy. That was a relief for me and a huge benefit, it felt great to know that he understood and I felt like the disappointment from my past encounters was lessened.
Another positive is that it makes me feel more less insecure than I thought I would. There are very few cheerleader/gymnast/dancers floating about looking for casual hookups with married men so it hasn’t hit me in the face yet and this one may change as he meets more and more people but for now the only magic pussy around here is mine so I got that going for me. In all seriousness we often trade phones so we can swipe each others tinder matches and compare notes. It’s fun to see who he’s into and why; I like hearing what he likes about each person, etc… it hasn’t made me more insecure or changed anything between us.
And another is that some lucky lady out there gets fuck my husband. He’s awesome, I feel a lot better about sharing him when I remember that it’s a nice thing to do for other people. He loves women, loves sex and is awesome at it so who am I to deprive the world of that? While I don’t get a direct turn on from him meeting people I do get to see him be excited over someone new, I get to share in his nerves over planning a date and all that good stuff. It’s strange at times but it’s working for us…in fact he’s planning a date for this weekend 🙂
TL;DR: I warned you I had a wall of text 😉