In the year and half that we’ve been doing this we’ve encountered countless problems, issues and grievances, especially early on. It’s taken us a year and a half to get to the space we’re in now where things are consistently going really well and throughout that time we’ve each learned so much. I get a lot of messages from couples while they’re in the midst of facing obstacles, challenges, envy, etc…we’ve been there and I’m always happy to help but I thought maybe one post to share what works for us could be helpful to someone. So here’s what we’ve learned about getting through the rough patches…
Understanding each others intentions is key to moving through issues! It seems so simple but it’s something that took us entirely too long to figure out. For the first few months that we explored this there was an issue with pretty much each and every encounter. Sometimes it was a lack of pictures, not enough texting throughout the night, too much time texting potentials, little to no aftercare, etc… Honestly it was endless and exhausting and I’m surprised that we powered through and kept trying because for every silly little issue we had there was often a bigger issue lurking around it.
One of our biggest obstacles was figuring out when the best time to air our grievances was. For awhile we would talk through any issues as soon as I got home from meeting someone…that didn’t work for us for so many reasons. Primarily it was just emotionally overwhelming for me to try to shift from ‘date night adrenaline rush’ to ‘serious talk’; I’d assume the worst and the adrenaline rush would come crashing down (along with plenty of tears and a dash of confusion and hurt). It’s really difficult to have amazing ‘reclaiming sex’ or aftercare when you feel like you let your spouse down and they’re not thrilled with how the night’s events went. Unfortunately we were each a bit hypersensitive to anything that seemed like a slight against either of us…if I stayed out later than expected my husband took it to mean that I’d rather be with that person than home with him. If he asked me to try to make it a quickie with someone I took it to mean that he didn’t really care for my comfort level and preferences as long as he got pics, etc. I should point out that we’re not a couple that fights, we don’t really argue…we’ve always been able to talk out our feelings and compromise but this hotwife thing brought us into some unchartered territory. It’s one thing to have a level headed discussion about who takes out the garbage and quite another to compromise on how much time I have to fuck someone else. After plenty of back and forth about that issue we came to a compromise and then we each worked to make sure that we upheld our respective responsibilities. Getting there though can be rough, we still haven’t ever fought but there’s been plenty of hurt feelings left in the wake and that’s where intentions come into this. Throughout our various ups and downs and issues we’ve found that the one thing that helps us get though it is communicating our intentions clearly each and every chance we get. In most conversations we assumed that we were doing exactly that but in reality we were just talking about our feelings, expectations and disappointments. At some point awhile back I realized that my husband had the wrong idea as to my intentions when doing certain things.
For example…I prefer to hang out with someone for awhile and get to know them so to accomplish that I like to have a few hours set aside for a date night. My husband is usually more aware of the time passing so he preferred I was home early. We worked on coming to compromise and having a curfew and that worked for awhile but if I was a little later we were back to square one with his feeling being hurt and I was left feeling like I majorly fucked up. Recently in the course of discussing our intentions I explained that it’s never a matter of me preferring the other person to him, it’s not wanting to get outta the house. It’s simply that I’m really nervous meeting people and for me I have a better night (and time in bed) if I have a chance to relax and get past my nerves. When I rush in and don’t have that time the whole experience to me feels rushed and less satisfying. Once he explained himself I realized that he wasn’t selfishly trying to cut my night short but he would worry if I he knew I would be driving late and simply just wanted me home because he missed me after a few hours and in the cycle of arousal, worry, excitement, etc while I was gone he didn’t like having extra time for worry. It felt so much better for each of us once we could see where the other was coming from.
Once we talked through each of our issues that have popped up over the year and explained the ‘why’ and the intention behind it we both felt better (almost instantly). Since examples are easier and hopefully more beneficial I’ll just finish this up with a few of our issues and the difference in how we approached it then and now:
Not enough texts throughout the night and/or unanswered texts:
Hubby: Thought it was because I was so distracted that I didn’t think of him while I was out and I didn’t pay attention to my phone in case he needed to get in touch.
In reality: His intentions in checking up via text were to make sure things were going well and keep me aware of the time. Also he liked knowing that whoever I was meeting would be reminded that I have a husband at home who knows where i am and is in touch (just in case). I didn’t want to be the person who’s glued to my phone while I’m hanging out so I only texted updates occasionally and didn’t respond to every text. So nowadays: Our system goes something like this:
I text (or call) before I go in to let him know I got there. Once I’m in I text him again (usually in code) so that he knows that all is well and I’m safe and happy. Throughout the night if I get a minute I’ll send off a text filling him in, if I go to the bathroom or they leave the room,….I’m texting my hubby. Sometimes it’s still just a kiss or a quick ‘i love you’ but he knows I’m thinking about him then and there and that everything is going well. He no longer starts a conversation via text so i can get back to my date without feeling like I’m that rude person who can’t detach from my cell.
Lack of pictures:
Hubby: We each play solo so pictures and video are a big thing for us. Even if he doesn’t look at the photos when I get home he like knowing that if we ever want we can pull them up and talk about that date night and usually sexy time will ensue.
Me: I love pics too but often the situation just isn’t conducive to whipping out the phone/camera and getting some. I’m pretty go with the flow and in the moment so I dont’ always stop and make sure that I got pics to bring home. I’d rather enjoy my time with that person then put a stop to the action for a video.
Compromise: I make sure to bring up our enjoyment of photos and videos before meeting and try to find guys who are specifically excited by helping us out with that. My hubby has had to compromise more so on this one b/c I’m just not comfortable insisting on photos or going super out of my way to get them, if I do then great but if it takes putting a pause on a sexy moment then he’s ok with me not getting a pic. We also realized that sometimes the camera makes guys shy so if getting a photo means an end to fucking then I can skip the photo and fill him in on the details later.
So at the end of the day you have to figure out what works for you but my advice is to make sure that you’re both not only listening to each others feelings and ideas but you understand the intentions behind it. Knowing where the person is coming from and why can drastically improve communication and decrease hurt feelings and misunderstanding when you’re dealing with this kink. It can be a lot of work, a lot of long emotional conversations and a heaping ton of compromise but if you can figure it out you’ll be rewarded with an incredibly sexy, kinky love life that enables you both to fulfill fantasies while bringing you closer than ever before.