Communication is one of the most important aspects of fulfilling this kink but when you’re just starting out it’s hard to communicate about things you have yet to really experience, that’s where visualization comes in.

In our early days we often talked about our desires, expectations, fears, needs and so on but the thing that helped us progress from talking about it to actually doing it was visualizing different situations and experiences and then sorting through the questions, thoughts and emotions that came up. In my experience I’ve found that visualizing possible experiences should be done together and separately. Find time to have a moment or two all to yourself, think about what your ideal situation looks like…then change little aspects of it and see if you’re more turned on or completely turned off. 

Wives: Picture everything from the type of guy you want to invite in, the place you want to meet, how you want to feel, who you want to be there, how often you want to meet people. If you can play out every detail in your head first and change it up from time to time you’ll feel more prepared when the time comes to get out there and meet people. If this is a fantasy that you’re fulfilling for your spouse then make sure that you play out the scenarios that you enjoy the most and then communicate those preferences to him. He may think it’s hot to meet a stranger at a club and bring them home…you may find that you’re more comfortable asking a friend or acquaintance to join you.  Picture both situations and the possible outcomes and use the emotions that get stirred up by visualizing to define what kind of experience you want to make real. If you only think of opening up your marriage in logical and technical terms you’ll never explore the feelings that come along with it…and there will be unexpected emotions so it’s better to be prepared for them as much as possible. Here’s a few to start you out:

You’re dressed up, makeup done and you find yourself standing at the door to a hotel room, the guy you’re meeting is waiting on the other side for you to show up. Are you nervous or excited (or filled with dread)? You knock and he opens the door, you walk in…do you instantly kiss him and get down to it, do you want to have a drink and hang out before anything sexy starts? At some point this handsome gentlemen you picked will lean in to kiss you…do you feel anxious? Do You fee like you’re cheating or are you turned on to find yourself in such a situation?  

You’re at home, it’s 9 pm and the guy that you’ve been chatting with is on his way over. You and your husband are planning on hanging out and talking with him before heading to the bedroom. You know your husband wants to watch the action first hand…does that make you feel like you’re on display and have to perform for two guys or do you feel like you can’t wait to perform and give your hubby the visual to match his hotwife fantasy? Do you worry that in the moment he’ll change his mind? Are you thrilled to invite a third in to get tangled up in bed with?

In any case you’re the one who’s going to meet someone and you should be a least a little excited or intrigued about the situation as a whole. Do you feel anticipation, curiosity, dread, anxiety, etc about the situations I just threw out there?


Husbands: Often it’s the husband who initially has a hotwife fantasy. If you’ve brought it up or are about to, I strongly recommend that you sit down and really visualize for yourself what aspects of this fantasy appeal to you. Picture everything from the type of guy you want to invite in, the place you want your wife to meet someone, how you want to feel about sharing her and how you feel about it currently, will you want to be there, how often do you want to play out this fantasy. If you can play out every detail in your head first and change it up from time to time you’ll feel more prepared when the reality hits. As the male half of the equation you may not be present for every hotwife encounter your wife has, have you thought about how it will feel when she’s with someone else and you’re waiting for her at home or stuck at work? After you think about that try to put yourself in the situation as if it’s real; you’ve just gotten a text message from her and as you open the message you see it’s a photo of her happily sucking someone else’s cock…maybe it’s her first new cock since you married her 15 years ago. Before you ship her off to the neighbor to get fucked…visualize your wife actually fucking the neighbor; not in a far off way…she’s naked and short of breath…moaning and digging her nails into his back as she screams his name…he’s happily teasing her with his cock and enjoying every moment of it…are you into it or is the reality not as great as the fantasy? I think the ‘porn featuring my wife’ aspect of hotwifing is awesome but if that overshadows the other aspects of what the reality entails you’ll find yourself unpleasantly surprised. A few scenarios to consider:

You’re just walking in from the gym and you’re wife is getting ready for a date. You notice she’s wearing the sexiest tiniest lingerie she owns, she’s focused on getting her hair and makeup just so…are you envious that someone else will be the one to her enjoy her efforts or are you excited to help her get ready and share in the excitement and build up of the night?

When her phone’s  notification goes off does your stomach sink because it’s probably the guy she just met who makes her laugh or do you think when you see the phone light up you’ll hope that it’s someone who wants to set up plans for a date and you’re eager to have her bring home videos and have a long night of reclaiming sex?

When she comes home from a date…does the smudged makeup and messy hair (courtesy of her encounter with her lover) make you so turned on you can’t think straight? What about as she climbs on top of you and tells you about her date and you can still smell his cologne on her skin and taste the wine they drank on her lips? How about a week later when she’s just hanging out at home…visualize yourself in that future place and try your best to imagine how you’ll feel.


As A Couple: Role-play the hell out of the fantasy!! It’s fun and entertaining and helps everyone get on the same page.

Break out the toys and pretend you have a third there in bed with you. Do you prefer to be blindfolded and waiting for your husband and a third? Are you thinking of your sexy prop as Dave the hot co-worker or is it Tim the guy you met 3 hours ago at a hotel bar?

Maybe dirty talk is more your style…if you have someone in mind use their name when you’re having sex with your husband and see how it feels for each of you. When/if you bring home a video your hubby will already have had a preview of how you sound screaming someone else’s name and it helps open up the discussion about who you’re each most comfortable involving. If using random nameless faceless strangers works best then go for it and if you enjoy pretending it’s you and your best friend plowing your wife, then great, go for it.

*knowing who you want to involve should be worked out way before you’re using it in dirty talk. It would just be awkward when she screams out your boss’ name and you were thinking more along the lines of finding a random hookup here and there*

Outside of the bedroom is just as important though; the things you say or try in bed may not actually align with what you want the reality of hotwifing to be. If you only bring it up in bed when hormones and emotions are at a high how will you know how it makes you feel in your day to day life?


The point is that the devil really is in the details. Hotwifing is a delicate balance at times and going into it without thoroughly visualizing the details is foolish in my opinion. Sex can be messy, crazy and totally unpredictable. You’re inviting a third person into the mix and things can and will change in the moment. If you can let different situations play out in your mind and see what works and what doesn’t or even just what you’re curious about it will give you something to discuss as a couple. We planned, visualized and prepared for every detail and possibility….we were (and often still are) surprised. Surprises happen to everyone but there’s little harm in being over prepared, emotionally or otherwise, when you’re dealing with something so intimate.

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